Irina Shklovski (Part 1) on Burning Out
Professor Irina Shklovski, University of Copenhagen, has a powerful story to tell about her burn-out experiences. In Part 1 she talks about how she got there, having an amazingly supportive department and colleagues, and how her body tells her when to stop. Implicated in this are issues such as being across two departments, defining her scholarship, starting a new uni during COVID, the downside of getting grants and what it’s like getting to the point of not being able to function and having to ask for help.
Apologies for missing music - trying to get that sorted!
Overview:
[00:29] Episode introduction
[01:58] Navigating two departments…during COVID
[10:32] Deciding for CS, being uncomfortable, having impact
[24:25] Journey to burnout
[29:35] Making the call for help
[38:45] How her body tells her when to stop
[42:32] Wrapping up
[45:17] End
Click here for a walk-through transcript
Related Links
- Gender studies (TEMAG) - Linköping University
- Irina Shklovski, Uni of Copenhagen web page
- Kasper Hornbæck
- Pernille Bjørn
- Bob Kraut, Carnegie Mellon Uni, HCI Institute
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
Chartable - https://chartable.com/privacy
Transcript
Welcome to Changing Academic Life.
2
:I'm Geraldine Fitzpatrick, and this is
a podcast series where academics and
3
:others share their stories, provide
ideas, and provoke discussions about what
4
:we can do individually and collectively
to change academic life for the better.
5
:Irina: if you try to do
everything, you will break.
6
:Geri: That's the voice of Irina Shklovski.
7
:And Irina did try to do
everything and she did break.
8
:Irina is a professor at the
university of Copenhagen in Denmark.
9
:And she shares with us, her
really powerful and moving story
10
:about her burnout experiences.
11
:In part one here, she talks
about how she got there.
12
:And having amazingly supportive
department and colleagues that
13
:caught her, when she did break.
14
:Tied up in that journey to
burn out is a range of issues.
15
:Trying to straddle two departments.
16
:Working out how she defines
her scholarship . Starting
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:at a new uni during COVID.
18
:The downside of the
upside of getting grants.
19
:And what it's like getting to
the point of not being able to
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:function and having to ask for help.
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:Irina: I said, Kasper, I'm in trouble.
22
:I, I don't think I can do this.
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:I'm, I'm too tired.
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:I, I can no longer think straight.
25
:I can no longer contribute.
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:I, I'm just in a fog.
27
:Geri: There are so many lessons
here for all of us, and I'm really
28
:grateful to Irina for her vulnerability
and honesty in this discussion.
29
:Irina: My name is Irina Shklovsky.
30
:I'm at the University of Copenhagen,
in the Department of Computer
31
:Science, and a little bit in
the Department of Communication.
32
:[So split departments?] Well, it
used to be 50 50, now it's 80 20.
33
:But then, since I can't settle
down, I decided it would be
34
:great to have a 20 percent guest
appointment at Linköping University
35
:in the Gender Studies Department.
36
:So, starting in September,
I'll be 60 20 20.
37
:I collect them.
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:Geri: How do you manage that?
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:to ensure that you are 60 20 20?
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:Because I imagine a risk is that
everyone, even though you're only
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:20, by the time you go to a faculty
meeting there you've used up your 20 but
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:people still expect work or whatever.
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:How do you manage it?
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:Irina: It's not possible to manage it.
45
:So I know I'm signing up
for more work overall.
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:I think the Linköping
position because it is...
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:Geographically separated and because
there are, um, I have committed to
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:spending four weeks a year inland
tripping, so geographically and
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:Temporally, that is very circumscribed.
50
:I'm hoping that I can then basically
allocate just a couple of hours.
51
:a week, outside of that, for all
of my Linköping related issues.
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:However, given the fact that I will
have, I'll be the primary advisor of a
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:PhD student there, and a primary advisor
for postdoc there, that is likely going
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:to become a challenge at some point.
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:But actually split positions
are very difficult.
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:I struggled a lot.
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:I started my position as 50 50 in
communication and computer science
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:at the University of Copenhagen.
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:Um, compounded by the fact that I started
one week before the first COVID lockdown.
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:So that was exciting.
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:And the goal was the reason for
my position was to bring more
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:collaborative capacity and activity
across the two departments.
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:None of which happened because for the
first year I didn't really meet anybody.
64
:[Of course.] Because I started and about
10 days later everything locked down.
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:I didn't really even have an
office in computer science yet.
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:So I met people on Zoom.
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:But that turns out to be quite
difficult to really do anything with.
68
:Geri: When you don't have an existing
relationship, especially I imagine.
69
:Irina: Yeah, absolutely.
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:So I struggled for a while and then,
and the intention was, that the first
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:semester when I started I wasn't teaching,
I was going to spend, I expected myself
72
:to spend a lot of time having coffees
and getting to know people and going
73
:to meetings and just kind of finding
out what the departments were like.
74
:Instead, I spent that time
homeschooling my child.
75
:And like everybody else, being locked down
and figuring out what the hell's going on.
76
:And then in the fall, my second
semester, I started teaching.
77
:Again, it was COVID.
78
:It was.
79
:At least in Denmark, it was
partial lockdown, so it's not
80
:like a lot of people were there.
81
:Everybody was wearing masks.
82
:You couldn't really meet
people all that well anyway.
83
:So, yeah.
84
:After a while, I asked my, both of my
heads of department, like, what do I do?
85
:And they said, look, we're not
expecting anything at this point.
86
:Just figure something out.
87
:Um, so yeah, that's
essentially what I did.
88
:I sort of bummed along and...
89
:And I realized that being half
and half in two very, very, very
90
:different parts of the university.
91
:[Do you mean physically?]
Well, also physically.
92
:[Okay].
93
:So the two departments are
separate physically, it's a 30
94
:minute bike ride between the two.
95
:Um, they're in two different faculties
that have different rules, different
96
:norms, different expectations.
97
:It's kind of like being in two
different universities at the same time.
98
:And I realized it just wasn't
working for me, because when you're
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:new, when you're starting someplace
new, you can't be halfway there.
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:It's when all the meetings are important.
101
:You can't choose.
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:You actually have to show up to all
the faculty meetings, and the section
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:meetings, and the research meetings.
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:And, because it's the only way to build
a relationship and create a presence.
105
:Um, and if you're doing it
in two departments, that's
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:a hell of a lot of meetings.
107
:[That's a lot of meetings].
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:And at the same time, you're meeting
people who also want to grab a
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:coffee, who want to get to know you.
110
:Again, that's a lot of meetings.
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:Two departments worth of people,
and two very large departments
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:worth of people, that's a lot.
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:And so it's actually impossible.
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:It is impossible to feel like you
have arrived in both departments.
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:And COVID of course
made it more difficult.
116
:So after about A year and a half I
started feeling like I understood how
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:the computer science department worked.
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:And I still felt like I had no idea how
the communications department worked.
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:Geri: Did you have a physical
office by that stage?
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:And did you have an
office in both locations?
121
:Irina: Let me tell you, having two
different offices is not a gift.
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:I had to create a system to keep
track of where my books are.
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:Which office they're in.
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:Because otherwise I kept losing them.
125
:And forgetting.
126
:And because the offices
are quite far apart.
127
:It's uh, it's a challenge.
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:Geri: You're not just dropping in
next door to have a quick check.
129
:Irina: No, not at all.
130
:So, so that has been,
that has been interesting.
131
:And so I actually realized that I needed
to reduce my position in communications.
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:To something much smaller.
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:So that I didn't feel the pressure
of needing to become, a solid part
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:of that department, without really
having the capacity to do that.
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:Um, and now, as I dropped it to
20%, it now feels like I am spending
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:just 20 percent of my time there.
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:Because I'm like, okay,
I'm there once a week.
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:[For a whole day?] Usually for a day.
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:But it's okay.
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:Because I'm there once a week, I'm part
of a center, we have a meeting, and
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:it's much better because at least I feel
like I'm I'm doing those 20 percent of
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:my presence there is kind of engaged.
143
:Um 50 50 is incredibly
difficult to figure out.
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:Especially if it's a new institution.
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:Geri: But are you still expected
to go to all the meetings?
146
:Or do you just really just
engage with the center?
147
:Irina: From the start I said, look, I'm
not going to go to all the meetings.
148
:And then I realized that
was actually not possible.
149
:If I wanted to become
part of the department.
150
:Um, so now I have to choose.
151
:And so, I've still, I've decided that
I want to become a stronger and more
152
:central part of computer science,
and I'm going to focus on that.
153
:And I will spend less time,
um, on communication for now.
154
:And it's a choice, but I had to make a
very distinct choice because otherwise,
155
:you end up with feeling like you need
to be part of it, to perform that.
156
:And nobody can tell you what that needs
to look like, but everybody kind of
157
:expects you to know how a department
works, and who is there, and what they do.
158
:But that takes enormous
amounts of time to figure out.
159
:Geri: Even when you're full
time, an enormous amount of time.
160
:Irina: And so I had to actually
accept the fact that I cannot
161
:fulfill the original goal.
162
:For what I was hired for, and then
I needed to give myself time and
163
:space to provide myself a basis
from which to begin building that.
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:But it wasn't something that
I could build off the bat.
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:Of course, COVID didn't help.
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:Hmm.
167
:Yeah.
168
:Geri: How did you decide for
computer science and not comms?
169
:Irina: I think for a long time, when
I did my PhD, I was really, I was in
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:Human Computer Interaction Institute
at Carnegie Mellon University,
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:which is part of computer science.
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:And I remember being so extremely
frustrated with feeling, always
173
:feeling like the social science
and more humanities work I did
174
:was seen as something extra and
not interesting and not important.
175
:Or needing to provide something usable for
computer science and otherwise not valued.
176
:And so for a while there, I shifted and
I moved much more towards communications
177
:and social sciences and more humanities
and spent some time, uh, you know,
178
:building relationships with people in STS.
179
:And developing, I think, a
sort of a critical tool set.
180
:But more recently, my work has turned
around and I realized that what I have...
181
:At least in what I want to do, it
may be far more effective in computer
182
:science than in communication.
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:Because what I want to do is actually
take that critical tool set and move
184
:it towards the technical practice.
185
:That I love critique, and I think
looking critically at technology
186
:and its impacts on society, and what
happens and how we do things, and why,
187
:and what are the power relationships
and the institutional configurations,
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:I think it's really important.
189
:But I'm much, much more bothered
by how the hell do we change that.
190
:I'm much, much more
bothered by the so what.
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:And by why have we ended up here?
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:And how do we do something differently?
193
:And for that, I need to
speak to computer science.
194
:And an only way to speak to
computer science is to be part
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:of it and to understand it well.
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:Um, because otherwise
critique is just critique.
197
:Nobody wants to be just critiqued
and be told that they're wrong.
198
:Geri: So that's been the journey.
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:What was your undergraduate degree?
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:Just curious.
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:Irina: I have two bachelors in
psychology and an art history and
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:I have a minor in mathematics.
203
:[Laughter]
204
:And I almost had enough credits
to do a minor in computer science,
205
:but I never got around to it.
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:I got distracted by skiing.
207
:Geri: So really interesting mixed
background, I'm curious about
208
:the journey from more criticality
to more impact and the so what?
209
:Can you say any more about that?
210
:Like, was there a time when you
were just happy sitting more
211
:with the critical perspectives?
212
:Irina: Well, when I was a PhD student
I remember walking into my advisor's
213
:office And my advisor is Bob Kraut.
214
:And saying, Bob, I mean, I want what
I do to kind of make a difference.
215
:I mean, like, why, what's the point?
216
:What's the point of doing this?
217
:And he looked at me and he said,
You're in the wrong business then.
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:We do research for research's sake.
219
:You're supposed to do it
because it's interesting.
220
:And then sometimes it makes a difference.
221
:You don't have much control over that.
222
:Laughs.
223
:And I understand that position,
and I was never comfortable with
224
:it, and it was never enough.
225
:And I think I shifted, I shifted and
really enjoyed gaining a much more
226
:critical tool set, and reading a broader
swath of literature and engaging in these
227
:debates across the different communities.
228
:In part because I was never satisfied
with one community's position on anything.
229
:Mm hmm.
230
:And in part because I get
distracted really easily.
231
:And I'm interested in too
many different things.
232
:And, and so, I think for me
that was beneficial that now I,
233
:I, I can understand and engage
with a lot of different debates.
234
:And I can understand
where people come from.
235
:And why they make the arguments they do.
236
:And that, in fact, now allows me to
think about how do we make all of
237
:that impactful and potentially useful.
238
:In changing how we make things.
239
:And I think it was
necessary to go through that.
240
:And eventually you sort of realize
that you have to pick your battles.
241
:You can't do it all.
242
:So I, I eventually realized that
I was much more interested in
243
:trying to talk to people who will
vehemently disagree with me rather
244
:than those who would agree with me.
245
:I'm trying to figure out how do
you present artistic research
246
:to CHI, rather than artistic
research to SIGGRAPH, for example.
247
:Right?
248
:I mean, because I think that actually,
that has a different kind of impact.
249
:That bringing these different
positions can then begin to get
250
:people to think differently.
251
:Like I have a new course
that I'm designing for the
252
:Masters of Computer Science.
253
:And I'm trying to figure out if there
is a way I can smuggle phenomenology.
254
:into a computer science course
without them actually quite noticing.
255
:Geri: It seems like you're comfortable
being uncomfortable then, because in
256
:seeking out people who disagree or not
just speaking to the community who would
257
:understand exactly what you're doing, but
speaking to a community where you don't.
258
:What you're speaking about or
the way you may be speaking is a
259
:little bit different because you
think you can make a difference.
260
:That's work.
261
:That's additional work to do, all of that.
262
:Irina: You know, I think partly this
has to do maybe with my own background
263
:is that, you know, coming from
Kazakhstan and then moving to the U.
264
:S.
265
:Always being in between.
266
:Um, once you move at that age,
you're not really one or the
267
:other, you're sort of in between.
268
:Am I Soviet, post Soviet?
269
:Most definitely.
270
:Am I American?
271
:There's certainly a part of it.
272
:I've lived in Denmark for a
significant portion of my life.
273
:Am I Danish?
274
:Well, definitely not, but I am
no longer either American or from
275
:Kazakhstan in, in, in predictable ways.
276
:I think it's also because when I
was doing my PhD, I was different
277
:in that I did a social science PhD
in a school of computer science.
278
:Um, and I remember at my defense,
somebody asked me, How is any of this HCI?
279
:And, And so I think it's, in many
ways, I find that I'm comfortable in,
280
:in these, in this in between space.
281
:It's not a, I mean, it's
not a comfortable space.
282
:Geri: No.
283
:Right?
284
:From what you've said, it's
not a comfortable space.
285
:Irina: It's not a comfortable space,
because you always have to pick your
286
:arguments and figure them out and figure
out how do you, how do you position
287
:yourself and argue in a way that you
might, you know, eventually be heard.
288
:But I also find it more
productive and interesting.
289
:And so I just inhabit that.
290
:And I like a good argument.
291
:Geri: It's fascinating.
292
:We, we bring our whole
selves to research, don't we?
293
:Like your in between ness, you've
just talked about it playing
294
:out in multiple dimensions of
who you are, what makes you you.
295
:Irina: But isn't that the point?
296
:The point that, especially if you think
about it, um, from the way we reflect
297
:now on research, with the push to
identify your own positionality, With
298
:a push to really identify that we want
to avoid the God trick, we want to, we
299
:want to make sure that everything is
partial and your perspectives matter.
300
:It is, we always bring ourselves, it's
just often we don't quite notice that.
301
:Geri: We don't notice, we don't
recognize where and how it influences.
302
:And you say that we're now more encouraged
to reflect on our positionality and
303
:that, but not all research areas do.
304
:There are still many
out there that [Sure].
305
:Do this, depersonalized, knowledge
production, de personalized
306
:decontextualized knowledge production.
307
:Irina: Absolutely.
308
:I mean, right.
309
:There's normative expectations in science.
310
:We've built science to fundamentally
gain its legitimacy from working as
311
:hard as possible to not be political,
to be separate from politics.
312
:That's the whole point of how
science gets its legitimacy.
313
:No wonder.
314
:Geri: It also sort of reflects
Bob's response as well, in a way.
315
:Irina: Yeah, to some extent, yes.
316
:But I think I understand, I completely
understand now that position.
317
:The position where, where...
318
:Um, I think there is, eventually
I had to decide that I wanted to
319
:fight this fight and not that one.
320
:That these are the things I was
interested in and not those.
321
:And that, my scholarship will
always be defined by my interests.
322
:And in the end, he's right.
323
:It is what's interesting to
me that's going to drive me.
324
:But then my actions and my activities,
what I do, I always sort of beat up
325
:on myself for not writing enough.
326
:But in part that's because I
spend a hell of a lot more time
327
:giving talks, and, uh, but giving
talks outside of the academy, um.
328
:Writing non academic pieces or putting
together reports with non profits
329
:and things like that in part, because
that's the kind of impact that I want
330
:to make and I find is really important.
331
:And of course it's also
driven by my interest.
332
:But, in the end...
333
:And I think what was also right, you
never know what's going to make impact.
334
:And if something does make
impact, that's just luck.
335
:But if you put yourself into
something, sometimes it might, yeah.
336
:Geri: In talking about, um, beating
self, but not writing papers and
337
:doing these other forms of output.
338
:To what extent is that a privilege
of your current position because you
339
:have like a tenured, full professor
position in a respected department.
340
:Irina: Full professor position, certainly.
341
:Tenured, absolutely not.
342
:[You don't have tenure].
343
:Denmark does not.
344
:No.
345
:Denmark does not have tenure.
346
:Geri: So do you have regular
evaluation cycles then?
347
:Irina: Um, to some extent,
The system is different.
348
:It's not that we have regular, well,
yes, we do have regular evaluation
349
:cycles, where we are evaluated overall
as a department, we're evaluated,
350
:um, sort of on the sectional level.
351
:Um, there is certainly career
development, um, annual career development
352
:meetings and processes like that.
353
:But also, our contracts state that
it's at will employment at any moment.
354
:The university can decide
they want to shift direction.
355
:Give me six months notice.
356
:Geri: So, is there any career risk to
you in choosing to write an article for
357
:a non profit or for some other external
body versus, another journal paper?
358
:Irina: I don't see it that
way in part because I think...
359
:Um, at least where and what
I do impact still matters.
360
:And in many ways I do produce
quite a bit of academic writing.
361
:I think mostly the beating
myself up is for, I actually
362
:want to write these papers.
363
:Um, and because that's the other
thing, you eventually figure out.
364
:Um, if you try to do
everything, you will break.
365
:And I've learned through experience
that everything's a choice.
366
:And if you want to do something,
you're giving up something else.
367
:And that's just how it is.
368
:Time isn't stretchy.
369
:[It isn't, is it?] No.
370
:We really like to think that
it is, but it's really not.
371
:Geri: It's the one
thing we cannot control.
372
:[No].
373
:Not an extra second in our day.
374
:Can you share a little bit more
about that journey, because you've
375
:had quite a journey there, haven't
you, to get to this position?
376
:Irina: I have.
377
:You know, there's an aspect
to being an academic.
378
:Is that there's a lot of things
that can begin to happen.
379
:You know, you try and you strive and you,
you write a bunch of grant proposals and
380
:you try to put your networks together and
then there's a moment when all of that
381
:happens and it's all so happy and it's
all happy but suddenly when it rains and
382
:pours and there's just not enough of you.
383
:And the interesting thing in the academy,
right, we act like, you know, it's a
384
:little bit of an entrepreneurship model.
385
:You have to go after things and get them.
386
:And when you do, it's just more work.
387
:Mm hmm.
388
:In the end.
389
:Yeah, right.
390
:You know, the good news is you won.
391
:The bad news is you now have
to do this grant proposal.
392
:And you have to really deliver, right?
393
:And it's always there.
394
:I don't think we account for that.
395
:I don't think, I think it takes
quite a lot to account for just the
396
:amount of work all of this takes.
397
:And it's really easy to put yourself in a
position where What you want to do is so
398
:many things, there's not enough of you.
399
:And, I ended up having to
coordinate, an EU horizon grant.
400
:I'd never even had an EU grant before.
401
:I had no idea what it entailed at all, and
I suddenly ended up being the coordinator
402
:for this two million euro thing with
like, six partners across four countries.
403
:Geri: You put this proposal together, you
led the proposal, like it wasn't just...
404
:Taking over the coordination
from someone else.
405
:Irina: No, no, I loved the proposal,
but initially the first couple
406
:of times I applied, somebody
else was supposed to coordinate.
407
:And then they stepped out, and
the last time we applied, it was
408
:like, okay, well I'll step in.
409
:Geri: So this is a topic that
you've had multiple goes with.
410
:Irina: Right.
411
:And when it got funded, it was exciting.
412
:And then I realized, well, we made
mistakes in writing it, because
413
:I had no idea how EU proposal.
414
:I'd never done it before.
415
:Now I know.
416
:And, I, I put a lot of myself into it.
417
:I didn't even get a lot of,
Publications or things coming out of it.
418
:I still, I feel there's
a lot to be written.
419
:I just haven't had the
capacity to write it.
420
:But it took so much to do the
coordination, to do the management, to
421
:do the kind of emotional and people work
that's required to make all this happen.
422
:Not to mention, deliverables for the
EU, which are a lot of work as well.
423
:And I never quite given myself a break.
424
:And so the idea was I
was going to switch jobs.
425
:I was going to, and my project was ending.
426
:It was ending in December.
427
:And I was like, okay, I am
going to start my job in March.
428
:[So which switch are you talking
about?] so switching from ITU
429
:to University of Copenhagen.
430
:Geri: So the coordination of the
grant happened while you were at ITU.
431
:Irina: Yeah.
432
:And I thought I've been
finishing the grant.
433
:And then I'll have three months.
434
:I will take a break.
435
:And then two months I'll take a
break and then March 1st I will
436
:start the University of Copenhagen.
437
:It'll be great.
438
:Did not happen that way at all.
439
:I had to finish the grant.
440
:The grant also took, the finishing of the
grant, even though officially it stopped
441
:in December, took another two months.
442
:There was no break.
443
:I finished one, started, started
the other, started the new job.
444
:COVID happened.
445
:And it kept going and kept going and kept
going and I had a new job and I needed
446
:to perform and I needed to teach and then
there was COVID and then there was...
447
:And I kept going.
448
:Eventually I noticed I stopped reading.
449
:I would try to read and I would
get through half a paper and I
450
:wouldn't be able to finish it.
451
:But then I would be stressed
out and needing to finish
452
:something else and then...
453
:Then I noticed writing got a lot harder.
454
:But I could still really
sort of power through and get
455
:things down just a lot slower.
456
:By the time the fall of 22 arrived,
I realized I was in serious trouble.
457
:Geri: What was that time period?
458
:Irina: So this was all during COVID, this
was between:
459
:2020, that's when COVID started, and so
:
460
:new job, and it was also the finishing.
461
:Geri: And the EU grant was
a three year, four year?
462
:Irina: It was a three year thing.
463
:Geri: So it's a three year before then,
and then Going straight into this, which,
464
:what would be an incredibly stressful time
for anyone embedded in an organization,
465
:let alone starting somewhere new and
trying to straddle two departments.
466
:Irina: And trying to start straddle
two departments and having to
467
:deal with sort of the pandemic
lockdown and everything else.
468
:And I also, I was, I had I had a new
ant that got funded, also in:
469
:So in 2021, we hired, I had three
PhD students that started in:
470
:We went through this
enormous hiring procedure.
471
:So in fall of 2021, it was in fall
of:
472
:I was, I was, I stopped, stopped reading.
473
:I stopped, I stopped being able to write.
474
:I was teaching and I walked
into my section head's office
475
:and it's Kasper Hornbeck.
476
:And I said, Kasper, I'm in trouble.
477
:I, I don't think I can do this.
478
:I'm, I'm too tired.
479
:I, I can no longer think straight.
480
:I can no longer contribute.
481
:I, I'm just in a fog.
482
:And he looked at me and said, Why
don't you take a break and don't teach?
483
:What do you mean, I have a course?
484
:The next week, Kasper walked somebody
into my office and said, This person
485
:is going to take over your course.
486
:Um, for the next month.
487
:Just to give him all the materials.
488
:It was shocking.
489
:The course was developed.
490
:I'd developed it the year before.
491
:I had all the materials.
492
:And it was amazing.
493
:I suddenly was like, Oh.
494
:And I thought that was going to be enough.
495
:It was going to be enough to
just step back and to be able to.
496
:And it wasn't.
497
:I was writing on...
498
:in an ERC Synergy proposal with two
colleagues and I suddenly realized
499
:that what was happening was they would
they would be like, okay, you need to
500
:write this part because this is your
part and I would try and I wouldn't
501
:be able to so then we'd have a phone
call and I would speak and I would talk
502
:we would have a discussion then they
would write it for me and send it to
503
:me and say, is this what you meant?
504
:and I would edit it and send it back
I could not produce my own text.
505
:Geri: Did you tell them that
you were feeling just worn out?
506
:Or were they just nice
colleagues who did that?
507
:Irina: We had a discussion and
I suddenly realized, Look you
508
:guys, I'm having real trouble.
509
:I'm, I'm having, I'm having a problem.
510
:And I'm clearly, I'm, I, I
need to go on sick leave.
511
:I'm not doing well.
512
:And they said okay.
513
:And we submitted the proposal.
514
:And I had other things that I
wanted to finish because at that
515
:point my department and Kasper and
everybody said I really don't know
516
:really you need to go on sick leave.
517
:This is not working.
518
:This is really not working and I was
terrified I Was terrified because I had
519
:all these things that I wanted to do.
520
:I had all these things
that I had lined up.
521
:I had three students in the
first six months of their PhD.
522
:I had other projects
that needed to happen.
523
:I had a course that needed to finish.
524
:I had all of these things.
525
:And suddenly my department
said, Just leave.
526
:Just go on sick leave.
527
:And it was one of the
scariest things to do.
528
:And I had a long conversation with
my colleague, Pernille Bjorn at
529
:the time, who said, It will be okay.
530
:Just do it.
531
:And I, I, I realized
I had no other option.
532
:Mm hmm.
533
:I couldn't read.
534
:I couldn't write.
535
:I couldn't even really give
a coherent talk of any kind.
536
:I could barely formulate
what I wanted to express.
537
:I was not capable of
performing my job in any way.
538
:It was really bad.
539
:And so I stopped.
540
:And my department was amazing.
541
:[They sound it].
542
:They stepped in.
543
:I was paper's chair for
NordiCHI at the time.
544
:And, and I emailed Eve Hogan,
who is the general chair.
545
:And I said, Eve, I, I, I can't do this.
546
:She's like, fine.
547
:And so Susanna Bødker stepped in as
an extra papers chair in my stead
548
:for a while until I got on my feet.
549
:And she said, fine.
550
:No big deal.
551
:And I emailed my colleagues and I
said, I have these students and,
552
:you know, can you please take care
of them as school supervisors?
553
:And they said, fine.
554
:We'll do it.
555
:And then I didn't open my
email for a month and a half.
556
:And I found it, I, I just, I wandered
the city for a couple of weeks.
557
:I read silly sci fi.
558
:I watched a lot of...
559
:I realized I hadn't watched
TV for, for, for a while.
560
:I watched TV.
561
:I went and saw movies.
562
:And it was coming up on Christmas.
563
:I did shopping.
564
:Christmas shopping.
565
:I think it's the only year people
actually got Christmas presents from me.
566
:Because I had the time to do Christmas
shopping for once in my life.
567
:And I couldn't sustain
it for longer than that.
568
:[What, longer than a
month and a half?] Yes.
569
:So I slowly kind of came back, but I
still, I knew I still, I was not well.
570
:I was really not well.
571
:Geri: So I wanted to come back to that.
572
:Um, but it sounds incredibly amazing.
573
:That first time you went into Kasper's
office and just said, I can't do this.
574
:What did it take for you
to, to get to that point?
575
:Irina: I think for me, it's always
been extraordinarily difficult
576
:to admit that I needed help.
577
:Hmm.
578
:And so it was pretty, it was, it was a
pretty big deal for me to basically walk
579
:into Kasper's office and say, I need help.
580
:[Hmm.
581
:That's what I'm just wondering].
582
:But also at that point I realized...
583
:that I was not able to do
what needed to be done.
584
:I was not able to teach
the way I wanted to teach.
585
:I was not able to engage with
my students the way I wanted
586
:to engage with my students.
587
:And I think at a certain point I panicked.
588
:I panicked.
589
:I went into his office and
I said, I think I need help.
590
:Geri: Because you did use words like
power on and things like that before
591
:when you were recognizing that you were
starting to have struggle reading or
592
:writing, but you powered on, powered on.
593
:So this pressure on yourself.
594
:Irina: I know that I
should have taken a break.
595
:Probably even before I started my new job.
596
:I know that I was burnt out then, already.
597
:But there was always something else to do.
598
:And there was always something
else that just needed to be done.
599
:And I think it's really easy to
fall into this process where you're
600
:like, But, I just need to get this
done and then things will be a lot
601
:easier and then I'll just rest.
602
:Geri: I love that, I just, and then.
603
:I just need to, and
then it will be better.
604
:Irina: It never actually happens.
605
:No.
606
:But it's really easy to convince yourself
that that's something you need to do.
607
:And that's, as long as you get just
this one hill, just this one hill,
608
:and then it'll be all downhill
from there and it'll be easy.
609
:I think we all say that to ourselves.
610
:And I just dragged it out too long.
611
:And it's taken me nearly two years.
612
:To begin coming back to a point where I
feel like I have control and capacity to
613
:do the work in the way I want it done.
614
:Geri: So control and capacity.
615
:Irina: And it's taken a lot
to learn that sometimes.
616
:And I want to do things But my body is
telling me to stop and I have to stop now
617
:Geri: How does your body tell you How
does your body tell you because I mean why
618
:all our bodies tell us in different ways
619
:Irina: My body my body is funny
my body tells that to me in
620
:rare with random inflammations.
621
:And my doctors always get very confused.
622
:When I show up, for example, with like,
I get this sudden elbow tendinitis
623
:and everybody's like, Did you hurt it?
624
:Did you hit it?
625
:Did you...
626
:Nope.
627
:Just developed.
628
:It's my body telling me to settle the
hell down and not use my arm for a while.
629
:And it's annoying, but now I know
that that is, I've pushed really far
630
:when that starts, begins to happen.
631
:And I know.
632
:Geri: So when your body starts telling
you, like you get an inflammation
633
:somewhere, um, in the beginning, did you
realize that that's what was going on?
634
:Irina: When that started happening,
I realized I needed to pay attention.
635
:But until I went on sick leave and
actually really paid attention,
636
:I really began to pay attention
to what was going on with me.
637
:And I realized I hadn't paid
attention to me for quite a long time.
638
:It's easy to ignore.
639
:And then I started noticing.
640
:When I was coming back, I was off
for about a month and a half, and
641
:then I started coming back, and
everybody was like, Don't come
642
:back too fast, come back slowly.
643
:I could tell when I was going too fast.
644
:I would suddenly get sick, I would
suddenly get these random inflammations, I
645
:suddenly, my body would just push me back.
646
:But because I was cautious,
I started noticing that.
647
:And I've learned.
648
:I've learned to pay attention.
649
:I've learned to be okay with being like,
okay, I can't say yes to things now.
650
:And I've also learned to try and
plan a little bit for times when I
651
:know that the pressure and the level
of demands is going to be high.
652
:Um, but I still struggle with
making sure I don't overdo things.
653
:The past me always thought that
something that I'm signed up
654
:for is going to be a good idea.
655
:[I know].
656
:The current me is not quite
so sure most of the time.
657
:Geri: You talked about, you try to
plan now, like one of the things
658
:you've learned is to recognize when
there may be coming up periods of
659
:increased pressure and planning more.
660
:What might that look like practically?
661
:And that's where we leave
it now for part one.
662
:If you recognize some of Irina's story as
your own, and you're also about to break.
663
:Please.
664
:I hope you're able to find the
support you need to step back.
665
:And stop and get help.
666
:And know that you're not alone in this.
667
:And if you're not yet at that
breaking point, I'm curious.
668
:What has struck for you here that you
might use to stop yourself breaking?
669
:What do you take away?
670
:For me, there were the reminders
about reflecting more on the
671
:pressures I put on myself.
672
:And the stories I tell myself
about just this one more thing,
673
:and then it will be better.
674
:About learning to listen more to my body.
675
:And also about paying more
attention to my future self.
676
:When I'm making decisions.
677
:And one thing that
really struck me in this.
678
:Was the power of having
amazing colleagues.
679
:And for Irina, amazing colleagues who
didn't hesitate to step in and support.
680
:And it makes me think about how we can be
those support people for others around us.
681
:And we'll all take our turn.
682
:I'm sure.
683
:In needing to reach out
for help at some stage.
684
:It's the give and take of academia.
685
:So we'll be back next week with part
two, where arena goes on and shares
686
:much more of the practical strategies
about how she's managing the return
687
:to work and managing the workload.
688
:And trying to take care of herself there.
689
:You can find the summary notes,
a transcript, and related
690
:links for this podcast on www.
691
:changingacademiclife.
692
:com.
693
:You can also subscribe to
Changing Academic Life on iTunes,
694
:Spotify, and Google Podcasts.
695
:And you can follow
ChangeAcadLife on Twitter.
696
:And I'm really hoping that we can
widen the conversation about how
697
:we can do academia differently.
698
:And you can contribute to this by rating
the podcast and also giving feedback.
699
:And if something connected with you,
please consider sharing this podcast
700
:with your colleagues together.
701
:We can make change happen.